Karlin and Chase-

I haven't posted in awhile. Life and, well, everything gets in the way.  This past week and a half has been.....emotional for me. 

Chase - you faced new struggles at school.  I honestly was torn between grounding you forever and hugging you to death.  I don't envy you having to try to find your way as a young man, but no matter what happens I still love you more than anything. If I could wish anything for you it would be that you could/would be the amazing person I know you already are.  SHOW THE WORLD THAT PERSON.  Am I disappointed in the choices you make?  Sometimes yes - but only because I see how those interfere with your opportunities, and with the smart, funny, kind-hearted young man I know that you are. You are the best of me, my son, and I am so proud of you, who you are, and who you have yet to become.  Please know that.

Karlin - two words:  SENIOR YEAR.  Oh my god - how is this even possible?  How is that tiny infant that fought me so hard to come into this works a SENIOR? You changed my world forever when you came into it, and I'll be honest:  I'm just not ready for you to be where you are.  Will you kill it?  ABSOLUTELY.  Will you have fun and find your place?  NO DOUBT.  Will I miss you more than you could ever in a million years know.  YES. I am both thrilled and saddened by your leaving us.  It's a conflict that I really didn't expect to experience, and I'm still wrangling with how to be happy for you while I'm so sad at the same time.

See - the thing that no one tells you about having kids is how much you feel.  The happy, the sad.  The proud, the scared.  The excited, the worried.  I feel it all.

You won't ever understand how much I love you both until you have kids of your own.  Even then, you will love your kids and say to yourself "there's no way she loved me as much as I love my kids."  It's not true.  I love you both with my entire being.  With every fiber that is me.  Through and through.  I feel your losses and your wins as much as you do - maybe more.  I never expected that.

I've cried more this past 12 days than I have in years.  The emotions of watching you both learn, struggle, accomplish, and grow are more than I could have ever anticipated.

I don't know if you'll ever see this, but if you do, know that I love you.  You both are my heart, my soul, my joy - the best things I have ever done.  I would not trade one second of you - good or bad - for anything.

You. Are. The. Best.  And I am better for having you. 

Chase Edwards - Super Star - 10/16/15

Chase-man: You are a super star.

 I look back at one of the posts I wrote about you in 1st grade. You're now a 6th grader (I have no idea how that happened.) You're in Middle School at Corbett Prep, and you are KILLING IT. You play Trombone in the school band. You're playing Fall lacrosse. You're running JV Cross Country. And you are making straight A's.

 At your conferences, your teachers are expressed how awesome you are, and how well you are doing. No one said you lacked focus, or were lazy, or were disruptive. They all said you were very engaged in class, and in a few cases they suggested that you were capable of "stretching" a little more. The only bad thing they said? (Besides the story about locking yourself in a locker, which I will cover some other time..) You tended to get the answers faster than a lot of the students, and then shouted them out. I kinda love that. You get the answers, you're excited, and you have trouble containing that excitement - that desire to show the teachers how smart you are.

 Your grandpa said a few weeks ago that you can run the world, and I think he's right. If you combine that brain with your big heart and your goofball sense of humor,  there will be no stopping you.

Two weeks ago, I got to see you overcome something. All season in cross country, you've been slowing down. The races were harder, and your times were worse. You were so disappointed in yourself, and for letting your team down. Your dad and I spent the week before the meet pumping you up. Dad was talking to you from the athletic standpoint...I was talking to you from the I-know-how-you-tick standpoint. At the meet, you took it all in. You ran a smooth and steady pace. You didn't walk. And you came in at a new personal best, clearing 90 seconds off your fastest time.

 One day you may have kids and you'll understand how HUGE it is to see your own child overcome and grow, right before your very own eyes. I was so proud and so excited for you, and so amazed to see that maturity come out. You have always been my joy, and I can't wait to see what's in store for you in the upcoming years.

Surprise! It's a Disney Cruise!

So in July 2010, I found a deal on a Disney Cruise. It was going to be on the brand-spanking-new Disney Dream ship. So - with Daddy's permission - I booked it, knowing I had a full-time Kindergarten Aide job starting in August. I decided, since it was the very first time I - alone and independantly - was able to do something super-special for the family, to keep the cruise a secret. But only from you two.

For 9 whole months I kept it quiet. I made the arrangements and made gift bags. We went to Aunt Courtney's the night before as a cover. On the 30 minute drive from her house to Port Canaveral, I was so excited and nervous I felt almost sick. Then when we were just crossing over the river and the ship was in sight, we turned on the video camera and dropped the bomb on you.

SURPRISE!

Now, 2 months later, I just booked another one. Disney Cruise, that is. I did this for several reasons. 1) Because our cruise was one of my favorite vactions with you guys ever. Riding the Aqua Duck at night; snorkeling and biking all around Castaway Cay; hanging out in our fabulous stateroom...it was just awesome. Really and truly fun. 2) Karlin, you are only going to be 10 years old for 12 more months. At age 11, you age out of the super cool and fun Explorer's Club on the ship. Our 3 night cruise didn't really give you enough time there, so I want you to be able to go once more before you turn 11 and go to the "Tween" club. 3)Disney sent me a 10% off coupon, which pretty much sealed the deal.

I don't have a job this fall yet, and Daddy had to front the deposit. But with a little luck (amd maybe 50 days of substitute teaching) I will get to spend my birthday next year on Castaway Cay with you guys. (And celebrate Mother's day too.)

This one won't be a surprise, but I'm betting we will have even more fun than we did last time! Only 10 months to go - I can't wait!

xoxo

KEE, Rock Star

March 24, 2011,

Dear Karlin,

You are a Rock Star. Let's just go over a few of the things you have achieved and accomplished in the past year...

* When your horse stumbled in the show, and you almost went off over his neck, you calmly took a breath, pushed yourself up, and smiled at the judges. You showed poise that I had not seen in you before. And this was right after the same horse took a big poop while at the trot, and you made him keep moving.

* You were the first girl at the school of 1,100 students to score the highest mark on your writing. The 4th grade teachers use your writing samples as examples to the other students.

* You were forced to participate in the Tropicana Speech contest. Not only did you compete, but you placed in your grade and went on the the school-wide competition. You stood on the stage in front of a podium, and spoke - on microphone - to an intimidating panel of 10 judges, about 75 parents, and the entire 4th grade. You were spectacular. You didn't move on to the next level, but watching you overcome what you initially feared, and then seeing you not just survive but thrive at it, was just unbelievable.

* At the last minute, the School Superintendent decided that 4th graders from Deer Park needed to participate in the science fair that was happening 4 weeks later. Not only did the Principal and Assistant Principal seek you out, but they asked you personally to participate as an individual exhibitor. They knew you would put together a good product, and you made it all the way to the district competition.

* You were asked by the school music teacher to audition for his "Elite Chorus." At first you said no, because you didn't want to do solos. Then you reconsidered, saying "Well, I did Tropicana Speech, I can do this." You auditioned, and made it.

* Your audition went so well that you were actually one of 4 students from your school selected to be in All-County Chorus. You will be singing with 450 kids from all over the county.

* This week, you were selected as part of a trio to sing The National Anthem at the school basketball game.

* You continue to make excellent grades, read 8 grades above level, juggle Girl Scouts, Horseback Riding, and three chorus programs. Amazing.

I was telling a friend today about all of your accomplishments and she said "Wow - she's so well-rounded."

I am amazed and humbled by the smart, poised, and confident young woman you are growing up to be.

Rage on, rock star!

Dear Karlin & Chase - Memories of Your Grampy

Dear Karlin & Chase,

For some reason, I'm on the computer in the middle of the night because I can't sleep. I'm worried about Chase's issues in school. I'm worried about looking at this house tomorrow that we really can't afford. I'm worried about taking 10 Girl Scouts camping in a week in a half. I worried about getting a job.

I worry. A lot.

I just finished reading a book called "The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." It's an interesting story about a mom of Chinese descent living in America with her American husband and 2 daughters. She's implementing what she calls "Chinese parenting", which is very different than the way we do things here in the US. Anyway, it got me thinking about stuff. Parenting, and parents, and children and stuff.

And thinking about parenting made me think about my parents. And that lead to me thinking about my Dad. He's been gone for just over 9 years now and I can hardly believe it. While I am thinking of it, i want to tell you some things about your Grampy...

Grampy's name was Charlie Martin Padgett. Not Charles, just Charlie. He had a younger brother (James) and an older sister (Ann). He was born in, lived in, and died in Pensacola, Florida. He worked for many years as a Tool & Die Maker for The Navy.

He graduated from Pensacola High School, and your Grandma (Edwards) was in the same graduating class.

In his younger years he liked to play Golf and Tennis. He was a bowler and played in leagues at Felton's Bowling Alley for many years. (Sometimes ask Aunt Courtney about running around the pool tables at Felton's with our mouths full of Boston Baked Beans candy and Dr. Pepper, Foreigner playing on the Jukebox. Ask me another time what a Jukebox is.)

He and Granny used to throw the biggest parties on Christmas Eve, even in the tiny house we grew up in. It always seemed like there were a million people, and a million kids. (In reality there were probably 50-60 people, and 20 or so kids.) There was food and the kids would sneak sips off our Dad's beers and eat Summer Sausage and cheese and crackers, and Chex Mix, and fudge and fruit pizza. Then we would all sit outside and try to watch for Santa. There were always heated debates about where exactly the North Star was.

Grampy coached my T-Ball team when I was in the 3rd Grade. We were the worst team ever, basically made up of the rejects from all the other teams. We only won one game all season, but after that win we had the party to end all parties.

Grampy used to drive Paw-Paw's (that's my grandfather) green Chevy Truck, circa 1962. It had a camper on the truck bed, with a little bunk bed in it. Grampy was famous for loading up every single kid in the neighborhood and hauling us ALL in the camper to the beach. On the way home we'd stop at the Pak N' Sack and he'd buy slurpees for everyone. He was the neighborhood hero, and I think the Moms all loved him for getting the kids out from under foot every once in awhile.

Grampy knocked me senseless with a softball once. We were playing catch, and he threw it at me when I wasn't looking. It hit me square on the forehead and knocked me down. maybe knocked me out. I definitely couldn't see straight for a few minutes.

Grampy used to take us crabbing on the Pensacola Fishing bridge. We'd drive the truck out, bait and drop the traps, and then listen to country music and drink Chek Soda ( From Winn Dixie - Root beer or Orange) and wait. Then we'd pull up the traps. Grampy taught us how you step on the backs on the crabs to keep them from running, and then you rip the claws off. We ate really, really well on those days.

Grampy was also one of the worst canoeers I have ever seen. We spent many summer days with friends and family paddling down Coldwater Creek. Grampy invariably ended up in the trees, hit stumps, and beached the canoe. He even dumped it a few time. Looking back, though, I wonder if maybe he did some of that on purpose just to tick off Granny. We always thought it was so cool when it started to rain, and all the dads would put the paddles in the sand, put the canoes on top of them, and then Grampy would whip out this giant roll of clear plastic tarp. They would put the plastic over all the canoes making one giant rain tent.

Grampy loved dogs and birds. he always had bird feeders out, and could name a lot of the birds. He had bird books and binoculars at hand a lot of the time, and once he even had a clock that made bird calls on the hour. (I think we have him that for Christmas.)

If there was a stray dog in the neighborhood, Grampy would always want to take it in. Some of them we kept. Some we found homes for. One time he saw a stray dog get hit by a car. The dog died instantly, but Grampy went out into the road, picked up the dog, and then carried him into the backyard. He buried the dog in our yard, right alongside several of our own dogs.

Your Grampy cried when the last episode of "M.A.S.H" aired on TV. I mean, lots of people cried, but Grampy cried like crazy right in front of us. I think that was the first time I realized that men cry too sometimes.

Sometime you will have to ask Aunt Courtney about the time that Grampy was a hero at the UCF/Notre Dame Football game.

Your Grampy was a dork, in the best way. He was goofy in a way that I see in Chase sometimes.

I'm going to tell you more about Grampy when the mood strikes me. For now I'll just tell you that he was a simple but wonderful man, and that I miss him every single day.

Dear Chase 3/2/11 - First Grade Growing Pains

Dear Chase-Man,

Man has it been a crazy week. You lost your very first tooth on Monday. You crashed off your bike on Tuesday, and knocked another one loose. Then you went to the Dentist today and found out you actually knocked THREE teeth loose.

You also had the misfortune of having me Sub in your class. And I didn't like what I saw.

Your teacher and I agree on a few things. First, you are amazingly smart. Second, you are currently doing only the bare minimum to get by, and sometimes not even that. And Third, you are border-line disrespectful and a little lazy.

Why is that? Chase, you are so amazing in so many ways. You are smart - you look at questions and problems in different ways many times. You are hilarious - you make me laugh all the time. You make lots of people laugh all the time. You are brave and fearless. You are outgoing and charming and sweet. You have a wonderfully huge heart, and I love how you feel things so personally (like I do.) You are a special and unique kid.

One time a few years ago, when you were maybe 3, someone told me: "He's that kid. he's that kid that everyone else is going to want to be friends with." And she's right.

So what's up at school? Is it because your sister has been having so many successes and accolades lately? Because if it is, then you need to let that go.

You and Karlin are very, VERY different people. She has strengths in different areas that you do. And you are strong in things she's not. She has 3 years on you too, meaning she has been exposed to a lot more, and has had more opportunities presented to her.

But let me tell you what, Chase-man: you are your own person. You can make your own mark. No one has to think of you as "Karlin's little brother." Don't let anything she does or doesn't do influence how YOU do - the decisions you make. You are YOU, and no one else can be you.

Your teacher, your father, and I are going to be cracking down on you more in the coming weeks. We see all the potential you have, and we want you to rise to that challenge. We want you to give your all, and to achieve all that you can.

On a personal level, I want you to be more respectful and more polite. You are a good boy, not some punk kid. Don't take your cues from the obnoxious kids. Take your cues from your Dad, and from me.

I realize that you need different motivational strategies, and I'm going to do my best to find what works best for you. In a few years people will be saying "Oh that girl? That's Chase Edward's older sister." Teachers are going to want you in their classes. You will emerge as your own star.

Because you are amazing. I know it. I want YOU to know it. And I want you to show everyone else how special you are.

My smart, funny, brave, fearless little Chase-man.

Dear Chase - 2/16/11

Dear Chase -

Did I ever tell you about the first time you made me laugh? It was about an hour and a half after you were born - maybe a little longer. Everyone had finally left, and Daddy had stepped out of the hospital room. Maybe he left to walk everyone out. Maybe he went to get some food; I don't really remember.

It was the first time after you were born that we were alone, just you and me. I was holding you while you were sleeping. I looked at you and said "Hello, little man." As I spoke, I exhaled, and when my breathe hit your face your little eyebrows raised up. It was so cute and sweet and made me laugh. So I blew gently on your face a few more times, and each time, your little eyebrows rose up.

It was a moment that took less than a minute, and one that may seem insignificant. But it was one of the first times you reacted to me, and one of the first times I got to glimpse the personality of the "little man" you'd grow to be.

No one saw that moment but me. It's a moment I will remember forever. Who knew then how many times over the years you would continue to make me laugh and smile.