Karlin and Chase-

I haven't posted in awhile. Life and, well, everything gets in the way.  This past week and a half has been.....emotional for me. 

Chase - you faced new struggles at school.  I honestly was torn between grounding you forever and hugging you to death.  I don't envy you having to try to find your way as a young man, but no matter what happens I still love you more than anything. If I could wish anything for you it would be that you could/would be the amazing person I know you already are.  SHOW THE WORLD THAT PERSON.  Am I disappointed in the choices you make?  Sometimes yes - but only because I see how those interfere with your opportunities, and with the smart, funny, kind-hearted young man I know that you are. You are the best of me, my son, and I am so proud of you, who you are, and who you have yet to become.  Please know that.

Karlin - two words:  SENIOR YEAR.  Oh my god - how is this even possible?  How is that tiny infant that fought me so hard to come into this works a SENIOR? You changed my world forever when you came into it, and I'll be honest:  I'm just not ready for you to be where you are.  Will you kill it?  ABSOLUTELY.  Will you have fun and find your place?  NO DOUBT.  Will I miss you more than you could ever in a million years know.  YES. I am both thrilled and saddened by your leaving us.  It's a conflict that I really didn't expect to experience, and I'm still wrangling with how to be happy for you while I'm so sad at the same time.

See - the thing that no one tells you about having kids is how much you feel.  The happy, the sad.  The proud, the scared.  The excited, the worried.  I feel it all.

You won't ever understand how much I love you both until you have kids of your own.  Even then, you will love your kids and say to yourself "there's no way she loved me as much as I love my kids."  It's not true.  I love you both with my entire being.  With every fiber that is me.  Through and through.  I feel your losses and your wins as much as you do - maybe more.  I never expected that.

I've cried more this past 12 days than I have in years.  The emotions of watching you both learn, struggle, accomplish, and grow are more than I could have ever anticipated.

I don't know if you'll ever see this, but if you do, know that I love you.  You both are my heart, my soul, my joy - the best things I have ever done.  I would not trade one second of you - good or bad - for anything.

You. Are. The. Best.  And I am better for having you.